22 August 2026
- 11 minutes ago
- 10 min read
Division 1: Sprig + Fern Tahuna 1st XI Division 2: Sprig + Fern Tahuna 2nd XI Sprig + Fern Tahuna 3rd XI Division 4:
Women's Premiership: Sprig + Fern Tahuna Womens XI Masters Football: Sprig + Fern Tahuna Masters
1st XI 0 - 2 Richmond (AET)
Location: Tahunanui S1
Goals:
Match MVP: Adam
There was a familiar feeling around KFC Park as Tahuna welcomed Richmond for the cup semi-final. Flashbacks were inevitable, with Tahuna famously putting 10 past today’s opponents a couple of years ago.
Unfortunately, those memories were about as useful as a chocolate teapot once the game kicked off.
Richmond came flying out of the blocks while Tahuna appeared to have left their alarm clocks at home. The boys were asleep for pretty much the entire first half, and to make matters worse, we apparently decided that challenging for headers from corners was optional. Thankfully, standing between Richmond and the back of the net was Tommy “Safe Hands”, who pulled off a couple of sharp saves, including tipping one onto and another over the bar to keep things level at 0-0 at half-time.
The sun was now behind Tahuna’s backs, and with it came a much-needed change in fortunes. The boys came out looking far more awake, started connecting passes and began making it further than 20 metres up the pitch. That pressure eventually led to Adam being put through one-on-one. Surely this was the moment... But Adam must have known the Richmond keeper personally, because instead of putting it past him, he decided to return the ball to its rightful owner. A couple of Tahuna boys nearly got onto the follow-up, but unfortunately there was no tap-in to save us.
There were also plenty of free kicks being won around the box, largely thanks to Cunny’s specialist technique of running into people until the referee had no choice but to blow. Unfortunately, the resulting free kicks all went over or wide.
Subs were made, legs got heavier, tempers got shorter and the game became increasingly tense. Eventually, the referee blew for 90 minutes, with neither side able to find the breakthrough.
Extra time brought more of the same — a cagey affair with both teams knowing that one mistake could end the season. The first half of ET came and went without a goal, and it was beginning to look like all roads were leading to penalties.
Then Richmond produced a moment of quality. A strike from outside the box flew into the top corner, leaving Tom with absolutely no chance. 1-0 Richmond.
Tahuna now needed to pull another miracle out of the hat. Sadly, the hat was empty.
Richmond then won a corner, and somehow managed to curl it straight into the far top bins.
A ridiculous finish. A class goal. And, unfortunately for Tahuna, pretty much the final nail in the coffin.
The final whistle brought the curtain down on Tahuna’s cup run and, with it, the season.
It wasn't the result the boys wanted, but credit to Richmond, who were well up for the battle and played a great game. They deserved their place in the final. All the best to Richmond in the final against Rangers — hopefully they leave a few goals in the locker for someone else.
As for Tahuna...
The 10-0 flashbacks have officially been replaced by two top-corner nightmares. Season over. Time to put the boots away, crack a few beers and pretend we never discussed those corners. Match report by Joe
2nd XI 1 - 3 Richmond
Location: Tahunanui S1
Goals: Pedro
Match MVP: Coach Crutchy
The 2nds faced Richmond in the battle for fifth and sixth in the Cup. The pinnacle of men’s football in Nelson. Such a prestigious occasion that Coach Munday and Assistant Coach Fitzy decided they weren’t worthy of attending. In stepped Interim Coach Crutchy.
Team selection was tactical. Positions were scrawled onto the backs of playing cards, shuffled and drawn at random. Young gun striker Paul in goal, Joe Waltz on the right wing, Pedrinho at centre back, Captain Dong at left back and last year’s Player of the Year sitting on the only available seat on the bench. Perfect. What could possibly go wrong? Lots, apparently.
Kick-off arrived and Captain Dong immediately lined up with Richmond. A quick point in the right direction from the referee and we were underway. Incredibly, Tahuna started like 11 strangers playing different sports, in unfamiliar positions, under completely different sets of rules.
Richmond attacked early and sent a tame shot towards goal. Paul calmly watched it roll wide of the upright. Except he wasn’t standing where he thought he was, the ball wasn’t going wide and it was actually travelling straight down the middle of the goal. 1-0 Richmond. Heads in hands. “It’s harder at this end of the field,” Paul sobbed in his soft German accent, burying his face in his padded keeper gloves.
A few positional changes followed and Tahuna briefly sorted their sh*t out. Players began appearing in places footballers might traditionally stand. Passes occasionally found blue and white shirts. For a glorious few minutes, it almost looked like the same sport. Then Richmond won a corner. Their man-mountain centre back rose like a salmon and powered a header into the top bins. 2-0. Not a bad effort, to be fair.
Half-time arrived and the Tahuna players began questioning the manager’s team selection. Bullsh*t. The system was flawless. The players were wrong. Ross had seen enough. He took a sip of prune juice, swallowed a couple of cod liver oil tablets and hobbled his ageing legs towards the car. Moments later, he drove off waving a weathered fist in the air and shouting sea shanties in our direction, leaving the team in the lurch halfway through the final match of the season. Poor form from the Scotsman.
The second half began with Will Mathews in goal, Paul released back into the wild and the playing cards officially abandoned. Tahuna started creating chances. Lots of them. Good chances, bad chances, chances we should have scored and chances I may have completely imagined. Still, nothing went in.
Then Tahuna won a free kick near halfway. Assistant Manager Johnny “Soft Hamstrings” Lewis channeled all his years of tactical expertise and delivered one clear instruction: “Shoot, Pedro.” Pedro shot. The ball looped, teased, floated and drifted towards goal. The keeper back pedalled, kept back pedalling, then back pedalled some more before watching helplessly as it dropped into the net. 2-1. Tahuna were back. Momentum. Belief. Limbs. The comeback was on. Until it wasn’t.
Danny Ross collected a goal kick and decided to go for a dribble. His previous five attempts had all ended in disaster, but surely the sixth time would be different. It wasn’t. His pockets were picked and the Richmond striker was through on goal. The striker panicked and hit a weak effort straight down the middle. No pace, no power, no placement. An easy save. Unfortunately, Will Mathews was in goal. The complete lack of ball movement befuddled Will, who flopped across the turf like a potato with outstretched arms. He missed everything and the ball rolled gently into the back of the old onion bag. 3-1 Richmond.
It could have finished 3-3. It could have finished 10-10. It could have been a completely different sport. Nobody really knows. We all had fun. Except Ross. And Danny Ross. Probably both keepers.
Full-time. Season over. A goal from halfway, two goalkeeping mishaps, one player lining up with the opposition, one mid-match retirement and several serious tactical crimes. Fifth or sixth place secured. Roll on 2027.
The competition for Dick of the Day was fierce. Outrageously, there were even calls for the coach to receive it, despite his faultless tactical performance. Captain Dong lined up with the opposition. Paul watched the ball roll into the middle of his goal. Will was beaten by a shot travelling at walking pace. Danny Ross ignored five separate warnings from the universe. Jonny attempted to substitute a random kid who happened to be passing the field. Ross abandoned the team halfway through the match. All outstanding candidates. But there could only be one winner. Geeza, for falling off his bike the night before the game and hurting his knee too badly to play.
Season over in style. Football is fun.
Match report by Will
3rd XI 1 - 6 Locomotive
Location: Tahunanui S2 Goals: Riley
Match MVP: Riley/Ryan
Last game of the season, Suns out, S2 pitch is feeling good, surely the 3rds could finish the season strong?
3rds kicked off and began to play some nice football around the backline and midfield. Stu in goal again as Tom Dunn was called up by the 1sts, Sobi returning after his Golden Bay exploits for the 1sts the previous weekend. Everything looked pretty good....
Locomotive then got a break aiming to break the deadlock early and Stu came running out for a 50/50 challenge, the Locomotive striker jumping into Stu and bouncing off him, Stu standing tall to gather the ball up. Referee blowing and pointing to the spot! Stu, absolutely dumbfounded by the decision voiced his opinion and as he walked away the ref decided to brandish the yellow card to the keeper.
The resulting penalty going in with less than 10mins on the clock, Tahuna deflated after some good build up play in the opening minutes. 1-0 Locomotive.
After that it was a struggle for Tahuna as they tried working the ball around and had some good chances, Riley ran rampant down the right wing, causing Locomotive a real headache. Ryan and Sobi combined well in the middle of the park but it was Loco that struck again to make it 2-0.
Then it was all Locomotive for the remainder of the half as they managed to ship another 3 past Stu. 5-0 as the half time whistle went.
Wayne then came off to head over to make his bow for the 1sts, from 4th division to 1st division in the space of a season, meteoric rise for the young lad!
James made his bow for the 3rds from the U18's and replacing Riley who had done very well. Alex from the U18's came on for his second appearance and Thorsten came in for Ryan, somewhere in there Rhys came on for Panith.
Tahuna started very strong and closed every ball down making life incredibly difficult for the visitors. Sobi and Thorsten combining well with Binh and Sayha. Binh dictating every pass to feet. Sayha had a couple of chances but unfortunately couldn't squeeze a goal.
James then came off for Riley as Oli Creed switched with Sobi to go into the midfield. Tahuna kept the pressing and even though Locomotive did their best to get some shots off. Rhys then made an incredible tackle to steal it from the Loco striker, flicked it onto Binh who sent a beauty of a ball into the path of Riley who despite having 2 Loco players around him and an onrushing keeper, calmly slotted his shot into the back of the net 5-1! Incredibly well deserved for the young lad!
Tahuna kept pressing from the kick off hoping to create some kind of miracle. As the minutes ticked by Loco were just happy to sit back. Then with 10mins to go Stu swapped onto the field with Thorsten. Some good saves from the German before Tahuna offered Loco too much time on the edge of the box to let fly with a screamer. 6-1 and the game looked dead and buried.
Tahuna still stuck to their guns and kept pressing, Oli sending a brilliant through ball to Stu, whose first touch was like watching prime Dimitar Berbatov, second touch was more like Darwin Nunez as he sent it wide.
That was that as Tahuna were beaten 6-1 on the day.
End of the season, 10 points in the league and the aim of not getting relegated completed. All in all, a great season of learning for the 3rds who have genuinely enjoyed playing in the 2nd division.
Now time for rest and relaxation for the 3rds and a trip to Saxton next Saturday to cheer the Tahuna 4ths on in their respective cup final, Best club in the club? Loading....... Talks of Riley and Alex being drafted to the 3rds for next season already underway, as is the real possibility of Stu amputating both his hands so that he never has to go in goal again....
Match report by Stu
4th XI 2 - 1 Nelson Suburbs Wannabies
Location: Saxton Fields
Goals: Ed,
Match MVP: Ed, Reuben
We've only gone and done it!!
Tahuna 4ths booked their place in the 4th Division Cup final after a hard-fought semi-final victory over the Suburbs Wannabies, with a dramatic finish and plenty of adversity along the way. The match got off to a chaotic start for Tahuna. Zach came off the bench after 15 minutes, only to last just 10 seconds on the pitch before pulling his hamstring and being forced straight back off. It was an unfortunate start to what would become a very testing afternoon.
Tahuna opened the scoring after 20 minutes. A well-delivered corner caused problems in the Wannabies defence, and Reuben was on hand to put Tahuna ahead and give the team a crucial early advantage. With the Wannabies boasting some dangerous pace up front, Tahuna made a tactical adjustment, moving midfielders into defensive positions to better match the speed of their strikers. The change helped Tahuna contain the threat and protect their lead heading into half-time.
The second half brought more drama. Not long after the restart, the Wannabies found an equaliser, setting up a tense final 40 minutes. Tahuna's injury troubles continued when Justin took a ball directly to the face, leaving him needing to come off after spraying blood everywhere.
With the squad already stretched, there was little room for error. With around 20 minutes remaining, Diego's quad finally gave out, adding another problem to Tahuna's growing list of injuries and fatigue. Zach, despite being unable to properly run because of his hamstring, repeatedly came on and off the field to help cover for cramp and tired legs wherever he could.
Despite everything, Tahuna refused to let the game slip away. With just 10 minutes remaining, Ed stepped up when it mattered most, finding the winner to send Tahuna into the lead and put the team within touching distance of the final. The final minutes were all about grit. Tahuna dug deep, defended resolutely and managed the game to see out the victory with less than 11 able bodies left.
When the final whistle went, the job was done: Tahuna 4ths were through to the 4th Division Cup final. It was a win built on determination, adaptability and a willingness to keep fighting despite a string of injuries and setbacks. With the game finely balanced and the final approaching, Ed delivered the moment that mattered most, scoring the winning goal and earning himself Man of the Match honours. Massive thanks to him and Diego for stepping in to help.
Tahuna 4ths are off to the final! UP UP
Match report by Zach
TFC Womens XI - BYE
TFC Masters 0 - 3 FC Nelson Masters
Location: Tahunanui S3
Goals:
Match MVP: Gaz
Just doing a brief one this (final) week. Was sort of a friendly really
This is a brief match report to summarise what was in effect an end of season friendly between Tahuna and Nelson FC. There was a nice tribute to “Evo” before the whistle was blown. All of our thoughts and love go to Evo and his family who are facing a tragic battle.
In the first half Nelson FC scored from 2 corners. The first one was a header. The second one was a shot from the edge of the box.
The second half we did a better job at creating chances – Paddy, Woody and even Ollie who had a cameo up front. But the game was taken out when Nelson FC pressed into the box and calmly dispatched the third past Gaz, who played well in goal otherwise. Becs played well and took many a vote for player of the day. And that wraps up our season. Match Report by Pete B
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